BFLP Syndrome

There are some days when I want to just sit back from it all. Days when I don’t seem to be enough, or maybe there’s just not enough out there for me to consume. Big-fish-little-pond syndrome. I’ve got the itch and it lies in a spot that I just can’t scratch, no matter how much it burns.

I want a million little things. I want just one thing. I want to be caught in the implosion, that magical explosion where you burst out and suck into yourself in a contradiction – the universe’s idea of a joke. Can you be everything and nothing at the same time? Is it possible to be content and utterly restless? I want to run until I am at one with everything – until I am nothing.

I’d like to explain some things, but there wouldn’t be any point. There rarely is in these hours, these moments, these tiny eternities that stretch on forever connecting and overlapping with one another like ripples in a pond. And if you could see further ahead, that telescopic glance would lead you to the past.

I’m sure the smile on my face is somber and sad, belying the notion that there is something wrong. And if there is I couldn’t be the one to tell you, taking every thing as it occurs. All of its fate and divine intervention and independent will. All at once there are choirs of angels and god on a throne in heaven while satan slithers in the shadows to coax you with ease to hell – and there is only me, no gods, no devils, no hope or faith or belief.

I wish I could tell you that I am afraid, that all this seems to weigh in on my like some crushing rock. That I am lost and merely seeking some small comfort.

But that would be a lie.

The object that I seek is just out of reach. Alas, I have continued the journey long past the death of Hope – she waits still, martyred in that room full of blood and roses and the shredded wings of angels. And I am here, which is nowhere. Where everything is nothing and all of it is riddles – some misspent youth in a looking glass with snarky beguiling cats.

I’d like to tell you that everything will be adequate and that time and faith will mend all that ails you. But I have never been one to lie unless it served a purpose. There are times when the journey serves no intention but to wear you down and put you out – when the sole function of the endeavor is to see just how much we can load on that camel. And I wish you would never have to go through it, never have to face all the horrors and monstrous things that lurk in the world, all those misdeeds and skeletons locked away in proverbial closets that would make Dracula and Frankenstein’s Monster run screaming for the light of day – but I know of no other way to build the character.

Much like articles of clothing, you must be broken in and worn down as vintage carries a great many things, including wisdom. And all the nightmares that you face are merely a question of obstacles, of choices you need to make – Athena weaving the tapestry of your life wondering what adventure you will find yourself in the middle of.

The Fates have no interest in building your life for you and so the gods gave you free will. The same determination that makes one abused child a sociopath and the other a champion for civil liberties – that makes one rape victim a prostitute and the other a founder of organizations to help the victims and raise awareness. They care not if you flounder and fail or fight and win, they are simply here to throw you into the deepest pool they can find at a moment’s notice. And it will always only be you that has chosen the area.


I have always preferred to imagine the worst. I like to spend my free time thinking of tomorrow’s possibilities and twisting them to breaking. Visualizing the most horrible outcome for any number of activities that I may be required to perform or happen to chance upon. Vivid and garish: the sounds of breaking bones and steel and glass; the slick feel of blood, like wet velvet; the sensation of exsanguination, of death, of broken bones and dislodged joints, of ripped flesh open wide, the possibilities are as welcomed as the impossibilities.

I enjoy the fantasy of suicide, the sensations of dying by various methods. The predicament of my body upon discovery, the assortment of stages it will take throughout its decay. I have never thought very much of this habit, and in truth its an exercise I take part in many times a day, some more than others, but always during everyday I can remember I having thought of it at least once. I have never set to undertake an examination – a thoroughly noted analyzation of the possible notions, the underlying meaning, the subtext of the subconscious, the wherewithal to complete the flights of fancy.

I like to imagine the horrors. I like to dissect each one, replay the action slowly and examine the inner workings. There is something to this – to knowing the terror intimately. Terror is stronger than horror, so the nightmares lent to it are greater, and if you can be well aware of this – of the things that given to creating night terrors in brave adults, then there has to be something said of preparation. Knowledge is power, and all power corrupts – and in all of us there is a capacity for power then we are all, on some level, monsters.

The demons and devils of lore are nothing more than the fears we harbor about ourselves. Satan is nothing more than the skeleton of the scapegoat we slaughtered haunting our closets. Maybe we’re all just afraid of being monsters, afraid of admitting the terrible things we are capable of. Though I’m pretty sure if we just manned-up and dropped our balls it would be more invigorating than we think.

To be at ease with the atrocities we are proficient in creating on a whim – secure in the knowledge that we are better for rising above and succumbing to these caprices based on any given moment and separate situation. To have the judgment we are all guilty of casting based not only on our mayhem but also on our benevolent endeavors. Maybe that’s really how it goes. Maybe the ticket to getting into heaven isn’t all those benign acts, but also the deviances we take part in with wholehearted gaiety.

Rebirth

I have come to the stunning conclusion that not all peace is good and not all lies are bad. It would seem that some things you think you know never seem to show all of themselves until you are so sure you have the meaning that it all crumbles down in a catastrophic cacophony of “WTF?” and you are left sitting there amongst the shambles of your own wrong conclusions. I write it off to my insatiable curiosity that I find these moments refreshing.

Buddhists say that every mistake is a new beginning – and if so then I would have to say that I have been granted more than most. And if that is so – then how would one allot the karmic retribution? Am I living through my hells even as I create them? And then there is the matter of reincarnation – can one live more than one life while ones body has yet to cease? Are we too narrow minded when we think that this matter of re-birth is something that takes years to capitalize on – or are we capable of expanding the way the universe does, not in mere miles but in growth of planets and galaxies and the life therein.

I am an artist and thereby a martyr, doomed to suffer at the hands of my crowd whether they choose to set me free or see me flayed alive. So are artists always martyrs and that said are martyrs always artists? Now don’t get me wrong, I suffer no grandiose illusions and hold no court with Jesus or Joan; but there are martyrs and Martyrs, heroes and Heroes, a subtle hint that separates the everyday from that of epic stature.

Do we need to be broken down and torn apart to get that new beginning? And if so how far does it have to go, how far gone do we have to be before we see what we were missing all along? Are all breakdowns merely the winters in our lives – the period where we are so barren and stripped of it all that the numbness is a welcome sensation while our souls slumber waiting for the fresh breath of spring. Or are the breakdowns themselves the winter, and the aftermath where we sit staring at all the things we’ve taken for granted in an entirely new light that new life of spring?

Maybe the fountain of youth isn’t some gurgling spring, but the sensation perpetrated by starting over. Maybe eternity is granted in the mistakes we make.

The Tragedy Of Cats

Why is it some mammals just insist upon rubbing you down so as to grant you a good covering of their fur?

And out from some Greek Tragedy it is always the ones you find yourself allergic to.

I am sitting demurely, masticating the fur betwixt my toes and here SHE comes. Strutting as though SHE is the daughter of Bastet; some pampered elegant royal temple cat. Presence a lie, SHE’s all the class of an abandoned rotten academy; with more litters than toes upon HER paws. I swiftly veil my contempt – truly such trickery is mastered by cats alone. SHE attempts to do the same; a leech in a fur coat – it is in vein.

Deftly do I descend to meet HER eye to eye; characteristic of my eminence. HER lip curls, but SHE catches HERSELF and refrains from full snarl. Mine eyes have seen the game, and I am a better player – to say Master is being modest. Swiftly do I see all SHE has to offer, an estimation to be calculated and I have yet to underestimate the underhandedness of my opponent. SHE sidles up to me, hoping to feign obedience and compliance while smothering my scent with HERS marking dominance perhaps to illicit and provoke some rank response. HER face burrows beneath my chin and as SHE glides I bury my face into HER neck and let HER glide along to the tip of HER barely furred tail. SHE begins to saunter off and stops abruptly realizing that HER scent lies beneath mine.

The fury within HER eyes burns and smolders as HER fur alights to stand upon end. I sit lightly and await HER movement. A physical attack is dubious, yet not entirely out of the question; I am easily twice her size however, the supreme thickness of my coat dampers the judgment to my strength as well as hiding ancient battle scars.

SHE yowls as though a lit firecracker has been tied to HER tail. The attention of Lead Mouser has been caught and casually alert he saunters over. SHE caresses him, mewling woe betides as though mine ears are suddenly deaf and I cannot hear HER calls of betrayal and dictation, authoritarianism in the extreme. His gaze levels the room and all cats stop motion keening their heads in our direction. Decorously I stop cleaning my paw before dethroning him with a Hiroshima glare.

Now this is getting interesting…

Labyrinth

Sometimes the days seem to stretch on forever. I think I remember times that were better – but do I? As my soul collapses inward I ponder ever seeing a brighter side. Of course the grass looks greener on the other side. I might remember what it tasted like if only I could halt the frantic consumption of ash. While it’s heavier, somehow I think it’s just not filling that void there.

How long can you lie before that lie becomes truth? I’m gagging on those ashes again, but it’ll wash down with another handful. If mirrors are gateways, what’s there for you if all you see is nothing? I crawled inside the other day, only to find decay. And the comfort that the frigid brings. The tightening ache in my chest clutches harder each passing day – I might say it’s my heart breaking if I hadn’t forgotten what that meant long ago – and I fight to breathe through it. What happens when I’m too tired for it?

When I started at the beginning of this I knew where I was going… Plush labyrinth turned harsh maze.

was that the Minotaur?

I’ve run out of options and now I can’t’ help but run on. Before I can realize I have fallen down I’m up and running again. I’m chocking and coughing in a strange fit as water blurs my vision is this what crying’s like? but the drive is strong as I stumble onward. Drive rooted so deep I don’t even think to question, just moving.

Motion! Is that the answer?

The pounding of my footsteps is my only memory.

What am I running from?

A thought so quick I’ve lost it before I can conceive its idea.

There was a destination once I think and I try to awaken myself to it. The flooding sensation only causes my vision to lapse into bright colors and vague shapes. Movement is default. The acid, what was once blood, in my veins burns and stimulates kinesis. Prone to it, I can’t remember sleeping, only myriads of dead ends and paths traveled. As my eyes come into focus I see the path laid out before me. Comfort in continual motion, pushed forward.

That sound again; strange and scratchy, yet constant as my pace, shuffles. Thick and lush, no option available and backward is the way forward. Passing a path long since traveled, a figure glimpsed. Insignificant to the drive. The need to finish this. To find the end. If only she could remember the reasoning for starting to begin with was the figure she’s running from.

Sensation of time passing is an eerie one, but it crawls along my spine familiar as the pace I’m keeping ever onward in vein and the scratching shuffle that surrounds. Long since the elusive figure which haunts the hallows of this place as surely as I do. Pangs of something wrench as the silhouette slides across the paths of my thoughts and the drive is harder as is the ache crushing down.

The world is bright where the black reigned moments ago. Harsh the drag of air inward, wracked in torment. The slow stumble upward widens the scene, brightly scarlet thickly slick, pouring freshly from some gaping wound in this skull. Trembling and ungainly I surge forward.

What does it matter if I die here? There is only the answer. That strange secret at the end of this is my salvation or undoing and I must press on. I am not I. all that’s left is this shell

I’ve passed another dead end. I am lost and I just keeping running farther into it. Helpless to the need of something I cannot remember. And the dream of it is the drive, the hope behind the dream giving endless endurance.

And in the end all I will have achieved is the desolation of this that was once my soul.

I am at ease.

secretly she died long ago

murdered my her reason

You Can’t Spell Slaughter Without Laughter

I don't know what I’ve done wrong. these days in vein searching every detail how wide the fine tooth comb

muddled mishaps scream while indecisions beg lulling false pretensions into hysteria

and every attempted scream merely issues forth sycophantic gushes of glee. a lying smile. this sweet façade. beyond the back door the girl is dying cold in the warm summer sun

in this crowd I am alone

this boy he smiles and holds me gently. and carefully he wraps me within tight ropes and my naïveté shines softly as i docile lie.

crucified in silence, not a whisper. and how carefully the unwrapping. the ropes serve again hoisted some sick carnival ride, afraid I’m the late addition

sweet silhouette upon the hill. a golden ticket lost, and i have watched all along to beg the question

can martyrs be void within?

smile. the jackal found it disconcerting when instead of laughter ink issued forth. far cry to the blackness of beyond lying in wait just within.

Working For Emptiness

Life is quickly losing its brilliance. Chaos ensues day after day. Myriad of indecision.

I'm working all the time.

I'm droning. Worker bee.

I've nothing to show for it. I want to do things that I cannot because I do not have the money. Working for emptiness. Not piercing. Cannot find a master for it. Apprentice deficiency incomprehensible.

Have you paid the piper?

Stiff Lies because I starched the collar. So sorry to disturb.

Can't you let me run away??

Cat had nine lives all that's left is a bucket of lies. Pale in comparison to the moon. Demons shine in shadows of angels. Never made me laugh without wry smile...
You whispered things you did not mean.
I'm tired of trying.
Pardon me is this the way to hell?
I see the pavement

How sparkly new are your Good Intentions

Wicked Wicked Wicked

Ding Dong the Witch is DEAD

Work work work
Run Away! Run Away!

Are you using me?
Have you had your fill today?
There's something left. Although it's somewhat damaged. I think you could find some use.

Half price?

Worthless stars hide in shadows

Demons fear

Can you hear me now?

Random Pieces 001

Hollow sick burnt
Alone fire died
To soon stars spent on
Empty promises


Sadistic tunes trample
Ideals of galaxies
Containing songs of hope and joy
Killed 'fore fledglings flew


Sorrow suffocates
Angel dancing deeply into
Despair violet black

Accident

Supple amber words trickle down
Soft petal lips
Gentle instruction soft in encouragement
Gray steel fang shines
Newness creates inanimate anticipation
Tremble gently silver ice melts
Into solid milk
Exact precision becomes deathly
Ruby caramel explodes violent
Are you happy with crimson regret
Filling goblets for you
Drink deeply talking to
Shadow voices
Tell her it was an accident
I did what you asked